Entertainment

Airliner One Liners & Assorted Shorts

Submitted by John Fetz, Gary Brown, Others

Aviation Definitions  One Liners  Helicopter Humor  Pilots & Mechanics  Air Traffic Controllers  Laughing Stories  On Advancement

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

Death is just nature's motivation to mind your airspeed (or rotor RPM or brake pressure).

You can have too much fuel when you're on fire.

As an airline pilot, one of two bad things can happen to you and one of them will happen: 
  a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.
  b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.

Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full!

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.

The aircraft limits are there in order fly the same aircraft again.

Forget all that stuff about lift, gravity, thrust and drag. An airplane flies because of money. If God had meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

Airlines have really changed; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
 1. Nice landing, Sir.
 2. I'll buy the first round.
 3. I'll take the ugly one.

There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules, but you can never suspend the Laws.

About Rules: a) The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it. b) If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g., if you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

Ever notice that the only experts who decree "the age of the pilot is over" are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the  intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over, try getting these "experts" to fly in a non-piloted aircraft.

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he who demands one iota more is a fool.

To take-off is  optional, to land is  mandatory.

Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

Murphy's Laws are; You will always be late departing when flying West and early when flying East.

If black boxes survive air crashes -- why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs. -- President, DELTA Airlines.

In the Alaska bush, I'd rather have a two-hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

It's not that all airplane pilots are good-looking. Just that good-looking people seem more capable of flying airplanes. Or so seasoned observers contend. A matter of self-confidence? No doubt, no doubt.

I've flown in both pilot seats, can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?

Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can't do both.

There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets.

You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you're grateful .

Air Traffic Control Motto: We're not happy 'till you're not happy.

1. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.

2. Beach Sunset. Photo by Jeff Wiegand.