Pilot Problems and Solutions are recorded in the Aircraft logbook.
Helicopter Humor Pilots &
Traffic Controllers Laughing
P: Left inside
main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Airline pilots have to "write up" anything
that doesn't work right on their airplane. Mechanics use the information
to fix the broken things and write their solutions in below the pilot's
portion. Sometimes these missives miss their mark just a wee bit and, on
rare occasion, can be quite humorous (see the above actual entry). These
are said to be from Qantas Airlines although that could well be an
WebLegend. That's ok, they're still amusing and I'll attest to seeing a
few "interesting" ones at my airline, too.
Thanks to S. Michalsky for submitting them.